I have been thinking many many things today, and I attempted to make sense of them earlier, but this was all that came out. So, my apologies, but here it is:
I think that I crave complexity. By that I do not mean that I crave drama. Real, deep, thoughtful complexity is a bit dramatic I suppose, but there is so much more to it than that. I think. Do I just crave the drama? I am not very good at making simplicity authentic. I feel like simplicity is often based in assumptions, and when I let myself live in assumptions I am not real. On the other hand, sometimes just stepping back from the chaos and seeing the simplicity and vastness of a God who is in control brings healing and depth that is unlike anything complex. Its simplicity is actually rather complex in itself. I think this has been my problem with being so critical of churches lately. It seems so simple. Sometimes it almost seems monotonous to me. Is it okay that I just said that? I hope that doesn’t sound like I think I am better than everyone else. There can be great depth in simplicity, and I don’t want to demote the authenticity of the people for whom “church” (whatever that means) is authentic and deep. It can be deep for me too, but it still seems to just touch the surface of life and truth sometimes, and I don’t know how to get past that.
But, then what is complexity? What does it look like? If I crave it, how do I get it? Sometimes life seems so full of the useless, overdramatic complexity that gets us nowhere, so how do we find real, authentic, deep complexity? I think there is danger in labeling it too. I don’t want to search for complexity and then find things and say “Look! This is complex, this is what I need!” That would be ridiculous. That would lose the purpose of my searching for complexity. Then what am I searching for? Is it truth again? Is truth naturally complex and therefore that is why I crave complexity? Is it because I crave truth?
Maybe I need simplicity. Maybe I crave complexity, but what I really need to do is return to the roots of what I believe and find challenge and transformation there. Maybe I think I need the complexity for growth, but in trying to find the complexity I have merely taken the simplicity (which is, in fact, rather complex in itself) for granted.
So, I don’t know if that makes sense or not, but I promised Chelsea I would post it, so there it is 
4 Comments
now I know youre alive, thinking and well.
I love this. I love these questions. I think when you actually allow yourself to break down the norm of the culture then growth and revelation can occur! i love you so. can’t wait for our convos that resemble this post!!
chels
Katherriiinneeeee!!!!
You’ve gone mad, you’re insane, bonkers even!! -But all the best people are
I love this post. I love it.
And I think that you need to become a child again. Full of wonder/Full of faith.
Maybe you want complexity because you have been taught that you understand God. You know that you don’t, but you’ve ben told that as a Christian, you understand faith, and God, and all things spiritual. If you are told that you understand the worlds greatest complexity, you have no choice but to desire more.
Do something good. Remember that you know very very little about God. Remember that you will never come close to comprehending how He works. Remember that you are a pawn (within that-remember that a pawns first move can take him two steps, and remember that a pawns last move makes him a queen). Remember how little you know.
The revelation of how small you are, how little you know, and how big the world is and how much God knows will more than quench your desire for complexity-it will overwhelm you with complexity.
Picture you saying all that you did, and me responding with this, as if we were giraffes. And if we were in a zoo, and kids were yelling at us, and throwing sticks, and being dumb, and think about how fun it would be to talk about life, and all these awesome things while in a zoo.
Man. That makes me laugh.
I too have lost my mind, gone mad, am bonkers, and I love that I am what I am.
Katherine, Nate does crack. but I do think he may have a healthy start here. You made his day by allowing him to make an analogy about Giraffes, and I would whoop his butt in chess. Just saying.
Much Love
BGTF